so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Drunk is a universal language darling
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