On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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