it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize