took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize