my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
