Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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