areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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