"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
