I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
