I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
