as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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