I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
