I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize