She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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