I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize