A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize