There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
