I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
