Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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