one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
