8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
