I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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