in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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