i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
