My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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