It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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