What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
