she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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