It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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