i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
