Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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