just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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