shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
