My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
