Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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