How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's not a walk of shame if you run
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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