She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
