I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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