If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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