giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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