Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
