I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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