There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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