I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
