I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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