wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
