May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
