Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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