I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize