I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
