weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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