I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
