My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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