Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
