So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
