four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
