literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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