I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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