I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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