words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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