I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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