I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
