we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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