Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
