its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
