I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
