I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
