at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
