I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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