Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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