I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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