Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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